I say "I'm sorry" about 100 times a day. I wish that was some exaggerated arbitrary number. It's not. I don't know if there's one reason I do it, or several. I'm leaning towards one reason....fear of disappointing whomever I'm apologizing to.
As free spirited as I am, I still have an ingrained duty to make sure I measure up to people's expectations. Clearly, this is an internal conflict, considering my outward nature. Thanks Mother.
I was constantly reminded as a child that it was my job not to inconvenience my mother or make her look bad. It's a good thing it wasn't a paid position, I'd have been fired by adolescence. I learned to apologize A LOT.
It's been pointed out to me twice in less than a week that I need to stop apologizing. Chris told me today to stop telling her I'm sorry for "falling down on the job and not being available as much as she is for 2AM. And she's right, it's not like we didn't discuss all of this before we went into business together. I've said I'm sorry a ton to my instructor at school because she's had to stop the massage video and assist me with my body mechanics a few times because I've had questions. She finally asked me what I was sorry for. *sigh* For interrupting, of course. Mrs. C....I love her. She said, "You paid to be here, it's my job to answer your questions, so stop being sorry!!"
So, my latest mission is to figure out how to stop BEING sorry. I think if I get over FEELING sorry or regretful, I'll be able to stop saying it. I'm upfront, I'm honest, I'm kind, I'm genuine....I really have very little in this life to be sorry or regretful about! However, guilt has always been my guide, thanks again, Mother. I've always been in the way, or at least been led to believe I was. So now I think I'm effing up everything for everyone. Even little stuff that I'm actually entitled to, like instruction at a school I'm paying a ton of money to attend!
I wonder if there's a 12 Step Program for the Perpetually Sorry.
My name is Heather and I'm sorry.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Sunday, November 13, 2011
You're probably just like me, but with less tattoos
Yesterday was a the first day of a huge job for Two Awesome Moms. The client is fabulous. She's been through a lot and she's very open about it all. She's not pretentious at all, she just is....you know? Exists like the rest of us. Openly trying to get by in life and make the most of her days.
While going through her home to begin the sorting and organizing and cleaning, memories came flooding out. Some good, some not so great, but all of them made her who she is today. Of course when other people around us get nostalgic and emotional, we tend to follow suit. Her memories and talk of familial ties made me realize even more that we're ALL just alike. Everyone has a story.
This realization made me wonder, even more than I usually do, why we don't peacefully coexist with one another. Why do we mistreat one another? Why do we judge one another to the point of persecution? Why do we hate things we don't understand? Why aren't we all curious to find the "why behind the what?" And if we do understand things but don't agree or don't accept, why not just move on and ignore those things? Instead, so many of us are guilty of being hateful and cruel to people who don't operate by our standards or follow our life rules. How come we don't understand what we're doing to one another with our hateful misunderstanding of others? Don't we realize that our hatred and misunderstanding typically fuels the things we hate in others? The rebellious among us, will fight you tooth and nail to make you see just because we're different looking or different acting, in the end......we're all the same. There's really no need to hurt one another. Especially when you accept the fact that you just never know when you might need someone to help you pick up the pieces of your story and put them back together. We're all just one tragedy away from that reality.
Make peace with someone today. You'll never regret it.
Make peace with someone today. You'll never regret it.
<3 Happy Sunday!
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Where I Am Today
I have a major case of swirly brain, so if this blog is scrambled, there's a reason! I guess you're getting a small snippet of what it's like to be ME!
My house is in disarray, there's fricken wet gross slush on the ground, I have a bazillion things to finish up this week, school starts next week, and I'm headed out for a shopping trip with Chris at Perfectish to make sure we're fully stocked for the jobs that are rolling in!
I know it might sound like I'm stressed, but nope. Not even a little. I'm excited!! I feel like I'm moving forward in so many areas!
Punky always loves me, but I can tell when he's proud of me. I can see him look at me different when I'm motivated and DOING something instead of making excuses why it couldn't be done before. His tone changes, his words change, HIS motivation changes, we work well together.....but when I'm on an upswing, we work phenomenally together. What more could I possibly want from the very best friend I could have ever asked for? Seriously?
And then there's Chris. We've "known" each other for 20 years-ish. We weren't terribly tight in high school, but a reunion via facebook led us to where we are now. Chris is UBER intelligent, sweet beyond words, and almost as funny as me (HA! Just kidding), we click so well now that we're adults. She's honest and true and frankly has every quality I've ever wanted in female friend. The best part isn't the business we're trying to get going together, even though I'm excited more than I can say about that part. It's really the fact that I can be ME around Chris and never feel like I'm less than who I TRULY am. I don't walk away from Chris feeling stupid that I said something I shouldn't have, or that I wasn't cool enough to be chilling with her and Robin at Sunday Morning Coffee. I feel like I have a place. One step closer to true Heatherdom.
Ok, before I start sounding too lesbian-ish about Chris....I better start getting back on track with my day.
Peace Out!
<3 H
My house is in disarray, there's fricken wet gross slush on the ground, I have a bazillion things to finish up this week, school starts next week, and I'm headed out for a shopping trip with Chris at Perfectish to make sure we're fully stocked for the jobs that are rolling in!
I know it might sound like I'm stressed, but nope. Not even a little. I'm excited!! I feel like I'm moving forward in so many areas!
Punky always loves me, but I can tell when he's proud of me. I can see him look at me different when I'm motivated and DOING something instead of making excuses why it couldn't be done before. His tone changes, his words change, HIS motivation changes, we work well together.....but when I'm on an upswing, we work phenomenally together. What more could I possibly want from the very best friend I could have ever asked for? Seriously?
And then there's Chris. We've "known" each other for 20 years-ish. We weren't terribly tight in high school, but a reunion via facebook led us to where we are now. Chris is UBER intelligent, sweet beyond words, and almost as funny as me (HA! Just kidding), we click so well now that we're adults. She's honest and true and frankly has every quality I've ever wanted in female friend. The best part isn't the business we're trying to get going together, even though I'm excited more than I can say about that part. It's really the fact that I can be ME around Chris and never feel like I'm less than who I TRULY am. I don't walk away from Chris feeling stupid that I said something I shouldn't have, or that I wasn't cool enough to be chilling with her and Robin at Sunday Morning Coffee. I feel like I have a place. One step closer to true Heatherdom.
Ok, before I start sounding too lesbian-ish about Chris....I better start getting back on track with my day.
Peace Out!
<3 H
Monday, November 7, 2011
Another Step Closer
This will be my last week of daycare babies. It's bittersweet for sure. But I'm totally ready to move on.
There are some big changes happening around here. I'm trying to kill several birds with just one stone. First bird, massage school to earn my license in massage therapy.....I can do that ANYWHERE! Maybe I'll retire to a cruise ship, travel the world and earn a living. The thought is nice, if I can just overcome the pesky motion sickness.
Next two birds.....MyCraftyMind facebook page, (the link is a hint to go like it!!) where the goal is start/finish crafty projects around my house and share them with my fans and friends. This gets MY stuff done, my house un-uglied AND I get to school all the people who say they're not crafty or creative. I love to recycle, repurpose, revamp, refresh, un-ugly stuff that most folks would toss and I can do some seriously cool stuff on the super cheap. I'll shop my house, my mom's house, and the curbs of the uppity 'hoods to show you what you can create to pretty up your place. (Incidentally, if you're going to toss something, call me first....I might want it.)
And the final bird to be taken out with me as the stone....a new business venture with a supremely cool friend of mine from high school. We've both hit a point in our lives where working for someone else or having a "real" job has lost any appeal it MIGHT have had, however we still have children to feed! Two Awesome Moms (2AM) was born out of a little whining and roughly 3 minutes of conversation via facebook messages. We're ready to help with most any household chores that seem to get away from us all, deep cleaning, general cleaning, organizing documents, bills, mementos, We are awesome, we are creative, and we're ready to work. Between my crafting and Chris's mad organizational skills....we're going to make magic! Now is when you go check out and like the Perfectish facebook page and the Perfectish Blog. Feel free to share all this goodness with your friends and family!
I appreciate all of you who take the time to read and respond to my blog. You'll forever be a part of my Pilgrimage to Heatherland.
<3 H
There are some big changes happening around here. I'm trying to kill several birds with just one stone. First bird, massage school to earn my license in massage therapy.....I can do that ANYWHERE! Maybe I'll retire to a cruise ship, travel the world and earn a living. The thought is nice, if I can just overcome the pesky motion sickness.
Next two birds.....MyCraftyMind facebook page, (the link is a hint to go like it!!) where the goal is start/finish crafty projects around my house and share them with my fans and friends. This gets MY stuff done, my house un-uglied AND I get to school all the people who say they're not crafty or creative. I love to recycle, repurpose, revamp, refresh, un-ugly stuff that most folks would toss and I can do some seriously cool stuff on the super cheap. I'll shop my house, my mom's house, and the curbs of the uppity 'hoods to show you what you can create to pretty up your place. (Incidentally, if you're going to toss something, call me first....I might want it.)
And the final bird to be taken out with me as the stone....a new business venture with a supremely cool friend of mine from high school. We've both hit a point in our lives where working for someone else or having a "real" job has lost any appeal it MIGHT have had, however we still have children to feed! Two Awesome Moms (2AM) was born out of a little whining and roughly 3 minutes of conversation via facebook messages. We're ready to help with most any household chores that seem to get away from us all, deep cleaning, general cleaning, organizing documents, bills, mementos, We are awesome, we are creative, and we're ready to work. Between my crafting and Chris's mad organizational skills....we're going to make magic! Now is when you go check out and like the Perfectish facebook page and the Perfectish Blog. Feel free to share all this goodness with your friends and family!
I appreciate all of you who take the time to read and respond to my blog. You'll forever be a part of my Pilgrimage to Heatherland.
<3 H
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Not Just a Mommy
A few years ago I was with a friend as she dropped her daughter off at college. She had a total meltdown. I assumed in that moment that she was simply worried and was going to miss her child. Over the months that followed, I watched my outgoing, fun, adventurous friend become very withdrawn and secluded. I missed my friend. I missed our impromptu coffee and shopping dates. I missed her laughs. She had become someone I didn't recognize anymore. I couldn't watch any longer, so I confronted her.
After hours of talking and crying, she finally admitted that she didn't know who she was without her daughter. She felt lost and without purpose. I remember thinking, "how in the hell does that happen?!" How does one person become so intertwined with their children that they forget who they are and what they like to do? Don't we spend years thinking about what we'll be doing when our kids move on? Don't we dream of the day our house will be clean and the toilet paper will finally be in a constant state of renewed 2 ply glory? No more overflowing garbage that requires serious decibel levels repeated over and over to get it taken out to the curb. Isn't this the natural order of things, our kids move on and we get to relax and be who we've always wanted to be? Doesn't it just flow?
My friend's reaction to her daughter's departure has never left me, mostly because, at the time, I thought it was so strange to be THAT into your children. Now, it's become a major source of reflection for me.
Fairly often lately, I've said I wished I'd been a 40's-50's housewife because the expectations for us seemed so much simpler. Women were housewives and mothers. We attended college to find a "good" man. We didn't branch out, we weren't expected to contribute financially, we had clean houses and happy children and husbands that we doted on. (I've watched too much Leave it to Beaver and Ozzie and Harriet, I'm sure.) But in today's culture, women have huge runways of opportunities to seek. And while that's fabulous for women as a whole, it's overwhelming on the individual.
We can be/do/become anything a man can be/do/become. Yet the assumption still exists that we're still going to be phenomenal mothers and wives. How unrealistic does one lifetime have to be? We don't have more hours in the day. We don't suddenly have live-in nannies to pick up our slack while we're off bringing home the extra pound of bacon. Striking the right balance between mother/wife and self is tricky business.
I've noticed changes in myself as my children are getting older and having more independence. I hate that they have their own business that I'm not really a part of, yes I snoop, but saying something isn't always what's best for them. I feel lonely when they handle their own stuff. I know deep down I've done right by them teaching them to make their own appointments and keep track of their own lives. The problem is that I hadn't anticipated the toll it would take on my self-worth. But honestly, it makes perfect sense. I have nothing that it is ALL HEATHER. Sure, I have moments of Heatherdom, but nothing that is solely for Heather. Every hobby I've ever had has been fun for me, but benefited my children. All the choices I make from what time to leave the house or what to buy at the store to what movies we can watch has been about my children. I don't regret any of that, but the time is coming for me to let go of a little of that so I don't turn into THAT mother. The mother-in-law from hell. The grandma who can't go away. You know what I'm talking about.....you've seen the Dr. Phil episodes. I don't want to be on Dr. Phil!!!
Along comes massage therapy. It seems so perfect for me. It will provide me with a trade and piece of paper that says I have a trade. SCORE!! The training period is rather short, considering my inattentive nature and lack stick-to-it-iveness. Who doesn't love immediate gratification!? And the working environment will be a peaceful, laid back one. The pay is more than decent and I can make my own hours and be my own boss. JACKPOT!!! The greatest part of all....it has nothing to do with my children or husband. BONUS!!!
As most of you know, my original plans for school were twisted all around. For a moment, I felt completely defeated, AGAIN! I have people who count on me during the day to keep their children, and a family who requires the money I earn from working. There's no way I can give up the job for school.......or can I? Should I? I must. The time is now to start being me. Heather. Not Mommy. Not Wife. Heather.
Distance and time has separated my friend and me. (I? I can never remember and I'm too lazy to look!) But I'm a firm believer that people come into our lives at the right time for the right reasons. The lessons I learned from this friend have proven to be more valuable than I ever could have known at the time. I'll never take myself or my needs to be an individual for granted again. I'll still be me no matter where my children end up. I can still be a vital part of their lives while meeting my own needs for identity.
<3
H
After hours of talking and crying, she finally admitted that she didn't know who she was without her daughter. She felt lost and without purpose. I remember thinking, "how in the hell does that happen?!" How does one person become so intertwined with their children that they forget who they are and what they like to do? Don't we spend years thinking about what we'll be doing when our kids move on? Don't we dream of the day our house will be clean and the toilet paper will finally be in a constant state of renewed 2 ply glory? No more overflowing garbage that requires serious decibel levels repeated over and over to get it taken out to the curb. Isn't this the natural order of things, our kids move on and we get to relax and be who we've always wanted to be? Doesn't it just flow?
My friend's reaction to her daughter's departure has never left me, mostly because, at the time, I thought it was so strange to be THAT into your children. Now, it's become a major source of reflection for me.
Fairly often lately, I've said I wished I'd been a 40's-50's housewife because the expectations for us seemed so much simpler. Women were housewives and mothers. We attended college to find a "good" man. We didn't branch out, we weren't expected to contribute financially, we had clean houses and happy children and husbands that we doted on. (I've watched too much Leave it to Beaver and Ozzie and Harriet, I'm sure.) But in today's culture, women have huge runways of opportunities to seek. And while that's fabulous for women as a whole, it's overwhelming on the individual.
We can be/do/become anything a man can be/do/become. Yet the assumption still exists that we're still going to be phenomenal mothers and wives. How unrealistic does one lifetime have to be? We don't have more hours in the day. We don't suddenly have live-in nannies to pick up our slack while we're off bringing home the extra pound of bacon. Striking the right balance between mother/wife and self is tricky business.
I've noticed changes in myself as my children are getting older and having more independence. I hate that they have their own business that I'm not really a part of, yes I snoop, but saying something isn't always what's best for them. I feel lonely when they handle their own stuff. I know deep down I've done right by them teaching them to make their own appointments and keep track of their own lives. The problem is that I hadn't anticipated the toll it would take on my self-worth. But honestly, it makes perfect sense. I have nothing that it is ALL HEATHER. Sure, I have moments of Heatherdom, but nothing that is solely for Heather. Every hobby I've ever had has been fun for me, but benefited my children. All the choices I make from what time to leave the house or what to buy at the store to what movies we can watch has been about my children. I don't regret any of that, but the time is coming for me to let go of a little of that so I don't turn into THAT mother. The mother-in-law from hell. The grandma who can't go away. You know what I'm talking about.....you've seen the Dr. Phil episodes. I don't want to be on Dr. Phil!!!
Along comes massage therapy. It seems so perfect for me. It will provide me with a trade and piece of paper that says I have a trade. SCORE!! The training period is rather short, considering my inattentive nature and lack stick-to-it-iveness. Who doesn't love immediate gratification!? And the working environment will be a peaceful, laid back one. The pay is more than decent and I can make my own hours and be my own boss. JACKPOT!!! The greatest part of all....it has nothing to do with my children or husband. BONUS!!!
As most of you know, my original plans for school were twisted all around. For a moment, I felt completely defeated, AGAIN! I have people who count on me during the day to keep their children, and a family who requires the money I earn from working. There's no way I can give up the job for school.......or can I? Should I? I must. The time is now to start being me. Heather. Not Mommy. Not Wife. Heather.
Distance and time has separated my friend and me. (I? I can never remember and I'm too lazy to look!) But I'm a firm believer that people come into our lives at the right time for the right reasons. The lessons I learned from this friend have proven to be more valuable than I ever could have known at the time. I'll never take myself or my needs to be an individual for granted again. I'll still be me no matter where my children end up. I can still be a vital part of their lives while meeting my own needs for identity.
<3
H
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