My Final Answer

I'll be attending La James International College starting November 15th.  The original plan was to attend evening classes.  However I learned last week that evening classes were no longer an option.  Ugh, total panic mode.  So after lots of phone calls and lists and some serious soul searching, I've decided that I truly have no other option but to follow my heart.  I'll be giving up most of my daycare kids to attend school during the day.

I have some guilt about leaving some of my parents in lurch to find other daycare.  I know this will be inconvenient for them.  I will miss seeing the boys on a daily basis, but I honestly have to do what's best for me and my family.

I'm in a very good position in my life, financially, emotionally, goal-wise....all of it.  It's all fallen into place, and I can't ignore this opportunity to prosper.

The best part is....my husband is being totally supportive.  Sometimes it amazes me how much he puts up with from me.

Signed,
Nervous and Guilt-ridden.

Bad Day? What Bad Day!?

It started off not so great....and super early.  Anyone who's ever seen me in the morning will tell you that I'm a disheveled hot mess.  I just don't do mornings.  But toss in a little "bad" and you might as well kiss the entire day goodbye!

Today, I decided to do things differently.  I started from Crap Point and thought, "screw it and I'm heading to Bliss Mountain."  The texts came to do my daily chores and I decided not to ignore them.  That was the old Heather.  The one who didn't care if things ever got finished or not, because there's always tomorrow.  

So my morning chores are done ahead of schedule! I'm getting ready to do extra stuff, not on the calendar, because I'm feeling pretty good about what I've already done and I want to keep the momentum going!

Who knew happiness was a choice?  Probably everyone BUT me.  But now that I know it, I'm choosing it.

<3 H

I'll miss you.

When I announced my facebook departure, that's the response I received....I'll miss you.  I provided 5 other options to contact me.  So if you're genuinely going to miss me, who's fault is that?

I'm not someone different on facebook than I am on my other accounts.  I'm the only me I know how to be, wherever I am.

The same thing happens when I go to church or see family/friends that I haven't seen in a while...."We've missed you!!"  Really?  Because you haven't called.  You didn't stop by.  Hell, you didn't even text or send a card.  Not even a little pokey poke on facebook. Nothing.  So if you WERE actually thinking of me, you didn't find a way to let me know.

Is our friendship really THAT important to you?  Or do you think you're fooling me with your feigned affection?  I'm no sucker.  And I can spot BS a mile away.  So stop.  Just stop.

If our friendship is a REAL friendship, then let me know and I'll reciprocate.  If you mean something to me, I'll let you know.....even if I simply text you a picture of something that reminds me of you, or make a funny and then we don't talk again for a while because we're busy living our regular lives.  We all have circles of friends (and now, thanks to Google + we can categorize them!!), some closer than others because of proximity, familial ties, longevity of friendship, whatever the case might be.  

I know, I'm all kinds of cynical.  I just think it's odd that you think of someone, but never make any effort to let them know while you were thinking of them.  Instead you wait until they are in your face or about to leave to let them know what you're thinking.  Hmmmm.....can anyone see why this might seem a little less than sincere?

Just thinking....

H

Pathetic or really ingenious???

I've added my daily chores to my Cozi calendar and I receive text messages now to remind me to do things that need to be done everyday. You can set the calendar up to repeat everyday, or every other day, every Wednesday, etc. I added all my family members, including my mother who does our dr/dental appointments.  She gets reminders the night before.  And all my bills are listed in there with reminders set for the paydays. I've also added my meals to the calendar and reminders to thaw meats or start the crock pot.  The other benefit is all the texts I get....it's like I'm my own BFF!!  AND......there's a grocery list and a to do list.  Yes, there's an APP for that.

I have friends who just "DO" this stuff....I'm not one of them.  I need a reminder and scheduling and prodding. My brain gets sidetracked soooo easily!  (Kind of like right now, I'm blogging instead of finishing the kitchen!)

I'm sloooooooooooowly getting on track with being a grown up.  Man, this is a lot of work.

<3's H

You know what I noticed?

Positive thinking actually works. Before I ever crack the seal on my eye goo on the morning, I remind myself that today isn't going to suck, and that I have the power to make it not suck.

Of course, there are things in my day that I cannot control.  Too many poopy diapers, cranky babies, or the stupid crow's feet that are making their mark by my eyes (bastards!)  But in general, if I take a deep breath (nose covered in the case of the poopy diapers) and forge on, I make it over the hurdles with a level of grace that is starting to make me semi-proud.

Typically, I'm a pretty high strung, passionate type who loves to argue.....because, DUH, I'm always right!  But as of late, I've made acquiesce a verb.  Because I've learned I'm not always right?  WHOA!!  Don't get carried away.  I'm still right, I've just decided it's not worth arguing about anymore.  It wears me out.  And to be frank, I just don't care that much if anybody ever realizes the true capacity of my brain.

I know this all sounds a little condescending, honestly, it is.  But who doesn't want to be right??

But here's the thing....my "rightness" is only right for me, in my situation.  And your "rightness" can be right for you.  I'll accept it now.  I don't dislike and mistrust people like I used to, at least not in the grand scheme of my life.  Occasionally my cynicism creeps in, but I'm trying so hard to keep it in check.  I'll still always fight for things that I'm truly passionate about (my children, my husband, my family, equal rights for all peoples, etc....) but if, in the end it will have no real impact on my life.....you can go on ahead and do it the wrong way, I won't  try and stop you anymore.

*sigh*

Some days, I even amaze myself.

There really is a point buried in here somewhere in my snarkiness.  Good luck finding it!

<3 H

Blech

Today wasn't a good day.  I've got to get thicker skin so bad stuff can't get in.  I've got to get a smoother back so things just roll right off.

Tomorrow, I'll google.

Eff this day.

~H

Friendship

(I wish I could be more creative with a title, but whatevs.....)

Friendships have never really been my forte.  They take work and, as you may have figured out by now, I suck at work.  I can be done with a relationship in a heartbeat.  Piss me off and it's over.  I have enough to be angry about without chosen people pissing me off {said in my best angsty teen voice}.

And then in rolls the natural consequences of the above behavior.  Loneliness. Not the poor pitiful me loneliness.  Not therapy kind of loneliness.  More like, the family is driving me crazy I wish I had another female to commiserate with, or I want to talk boobs with someone who isn't my husband!

My problem with friendships, especially with women, in my experience they are the biggest bullies.  Covert bullies.  Women can manipulate each other and back each other into corners.  Sometimes I've seen it go to the point that we will become someone we don't even like in order to maintain those friendships.  What a wickedly ugly mess that is!

We're all the same.  We're moms, wives, sisters, aunts....WE'RE women!!  We're supposed to build each other up and push each other forward to be the very best moms, wives, sisters, aunts, etc that we can be!  Why don't we spend time or energy encouraging one another?  When do we console each other in ugly times....without then turning around and immediately gossiping about our "friends" and their situations?  Why do we see beautiful women and feel threatened by them?  How come we've decided that it's okay to lead our daughters this way?  Why can't we just TALK when things aren't going well?  Is it really necessary to tear each other down?  Do we have to turn our backs on one another?

This is why my husband is my best friend.  He doesn't bs me.  If I'm acting like a jackass, he lets me know.  When I'm sad, he comforts me with no expectations.  He never divulges my ugliness.  He calls me beautiful when I'm not. He tolerates and embraces my dreams. And most importantly, he's here for me every single day.  He's the first person I turn to with good news or bad.  We've been criticized several times for our closeness.  Outside friendships have ended because people don't understand our relationship, or maybe they're jealous?

Someday, I hope to have a close circle of female friends with whom I can share my life.  I've come to realize that I'm responsible for being the kind of friend I want to attract.  I'll try.  I'll work at putting myself in a friend's place and do for them what I would want done for me in the same situation.  Sick friend = basket with Kleenex and chicken noodle soup.  Sad friend = a "Hang in there" card or message.  Happy friend = champagne and balloons *hint hint*.  (I'll settle for a Busch Light and pizza!)  Frustrated/overwhelmed friend = help with a messy house or bratty kids.  Incidentally, any of the above emotions could quickly be remedied or celebrated with pizza and beer....how convenient!

That's where I'm at today.  Well, that and cleaning.  Maybe that's why I want a BFF, so I don't have to clean alone? :P

<3 H

Restless....

I'm a victim of my own whirly brain.  There so much to do around here, always.  And I sit and think and think about what needs to be done, what I want to get done, how I want things to be, how things will look when I'm done, how happy I'll be when it gets finished, etc.

But the constant thinking never yields any worthwhile results.  I feel like I never have time or motivation or that my projects will not turn out good enough, so there's no point in starting them.  What's wrong with me?!  

I covet other people's lives (the parts I can see anyway), instead of appreciating my own.  This isn't healthy because it never drives me to be more creative or have more motivation.  It only feeds my depression and anxiety about everything I'm not.  It's an ugly cycle I've never been able to break.

My kids are cool, my house is paid for, my husband is amazingly understanding of my inner chaos, and I drive an old jalopy that I don't have to make payments on, I work at home, and I'm reasonably healthy and intelligent.  So again I ask, WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME??

I'm not setting a great example of how to live a content life.  I can walk passed messes that would take seconds to rectify if I'd only put the effort into doing it.  But I can always talk myself out of it.  My house isn't gross by any means, but it is seriously disorganized!  My kids don't stay on track because I don't stay on track.

Soooooooo, after reading a friend's blog this morning about "just doing it" I've decided that I need make myself a schedule of daily activities.  I've attempted Fly Lady, but for the love of Jesus, who has the attention span or TIME to sit down and read all that gibberish about "swish and swipe" and "zone this or that."  I mean, seriously.....how OCD is that chick!?  --------------Oh, sorry, got sidetracked, that happens A LOT with me! Anywhoodles, back to my schedule, which I'd pay actual blood or money to learn how to stick to.  I'll be making my own simplified version of the Purple People Eater.  One for me, one for the kids.  The biggest obstacle for me/us will be our lackadaisical attitudes about "there's always tomorrow."  My tomorrows are running out because I want to feel free today. It's time to get off my butt and get real about what it takes to actually HAVE the things I want instead of just wishing for them or being jealous of the people who appear to be keeping it all together.

Wish me luck, I'm going to need it.

<3 H

One month from now.......

I'll be headed to massage therapy school.  Four nights a week and all day Saturday.  My anxiety is starting to kick in about the ramifications of the whole prospect.

First, I HATE HATE HATE being away from home that much.  This place is my sanctuary.  My comfort zone. The only place I feel safe from all the icky that exists outside in the real world.

Secondly, I'm a control freak.  And I'm scared to death that my expectations for the chores and whatnot will not be met while I'm gone.  Thus, I'll be walking into a crap hole mess when I get out of class at 9:30pm.  I'm working on letting go.  It's not the end of the world if it's not done perfectly.  I should just be happy that it's done.  (I guess, lol)

And lastly, in general I'll be going to school with mostly females 15 years my junior.  I didn't like them when I WAS their age.  Females, in my experience, are catty witches.  I'll find a way to keep my mouth shut and ignore all the bs.

I have to find a way to finish this endeavor.  This career choice is practically perfect for me!  I can make my own hours, charge my own rates, have no boss, and I can take it anywhere!  It's only a 6 month program.  I think I can.  I think I can.  I think I can.

Anxiety and overthinking are my greatest downfalls.  I wish it wasn't so much work to keep myself on track.  Why couldn't I be one of those people who just seem to flow through life?  Am I kidding myself, do those people really exist?  And are they just quieter than me about their fears and exasperation with getting things accomplished?  Maybe I need to change my internal baseline for success?

How many times do I have to go through this before I FEEL successful?  Or is this what we do to our brains to keep driving ourselves?

Bleh.

Feeling overwhelmed.  What's new?

~h

I don't get it.....

I'm watching old reruns of Extreme Makeover Home Edition.  One particular family is VERY animal friendly.  They rescue sickly animals and slept in a tent during hurricane Katrina to help care for the displaced animals.  Yay for people who do this. It's not for me, but more power to the people who choose to care for animals.

HOWEVER, this family has let their own house go completely without maintenance. They're are living in a home with a crumbling foundation and termites.  Things leak and are broken throughout the home because of neglect. How on earth can ANYONE choose ANIMALS over their own flesh and blood?  Or even their own needs?  NEEDS.  Not wants, necessities.

The chorus that keeps replaying on this show is, "These people put the animal's needs before their own."  Am I the only one who thinks this is f*cked up?

I'm feeling like this episode is a window into what's wrong with our society.  We reward people for not doing what they're supposed to be doing to support themselves.  These people received a huge new abode.  Lovely. Judging by the condition of the previous home, this new one will be run down in no time.  Overrun with smelly animals.  I don't care what anyone says, animals STINK.

Call me selfish, but my/my family's needs will be met before any animal's.

Just me rambling.....

Heather

My first blog. AWWWW!!

I have a plethora of ideas to fill the space I'm taking up on the internet.  Mostly I just think about my 35 year journey to find myself.  My childhood was less than stellar, filled with lies, emotionally absent family members, and abuse.  I've spent years trying to have an identity outside of that menagerie of chaos.  My path has included all sorts of terrains, always (until recently) self destructive.  Drugs, crappy relationships, worthless friendships, and a chip on my shoulder the size of Texas.

Recently I've had my Oprah moment.  The AHA! in my life that has turned nearly everything around for me.  Oddly enough, dropping out of "real college" for the fifth time was the best thing I've ever done for myself.  I was schooling myself to be everything I can't stand in the world, someone who has to follow rules and conform to things they don't necessarily believe are right, in order to make a living.  

Make a living.  What does that REALLY mean?  What good is life if we only do the bare minimum to survive, leaving no time or energy for feel good moments? Is all the money in the world worth anything if we can never enjoy the time it took to earn it?  There has to be a way to be productive (bleh, totally subjective word I'm not fond of but for the purpose of all being on the same page, we'll go with it) AND to enjoy my life!  Another AND....teach my children that they can be respectful of others' lives while living their own and doing their own thing.  I want them to be everything I haven't been in the first 34 years of my life.  Dress funny, have crazy hair, tattoo your body, have your own religion, or don't ever do any of those things......but most importantly DEFINE YOURSELF.....don't let anyone or anything else define you.  You're in charge.

This is my Pilgrimage to Heatherland.  I am a sacred place.  And this has been one long journey, but I'm finally getting to the beautiful parts.  It's all been worth it.

pilgrimage:

1. a journey to a shrine or other sacred place

2. a journey or long search made for exalted or sentimental reasons

Loves, 

Heather