We've all had the flu or a hangover that's lasted a few days. You feel sick, weak, antisocial, worn out, achy, etc. No one ever says, "Man, this is a blast! I could do this every day for the rest of my life!!"
Guess what? That's what chronic illness is. Fibro, lupus, thyroid disease, depression, anxiety... the list is long.
For those of us who suffer (and yes, it's suffering) from any of them, we hate it even more than the people who have expectations of us.
I guess I can't speak for everyone, but I know I'm not a loser. I didn't choose this. I don't want to isolate from my friends. I don't want to miss work and appointments. I don't like begging myself to pull it together so everyone isn't let down by me. I'd love to just do something different and change the way I think so I can be as productive as so and so. I think it would be cool to be normal. I would really like to focus on anything but my symptoms.... which, by the way, I'm not faking. I try to ignore them and convince myself it's all in my head. When that doesn't cure them, my brain goes into overdrive. Maybe I AM just crazy. Maybe I AM doing this to myself. But why? Why would I sabotage myself on purpose? Am I really thinking myself into numb, swollen hands with blisters? What about the headache and SEVERE fatigue? I slept 8-12 hours last night. There's no reason I should be equally as tired as when I went to bed, right? The hair loss is all me too? The sores in my mouth? The chest pain? The muscle aches? The joint pain and swelling? I'm obviously doing this to myself, like everyone thinks and insinuates and blurts out in arguments over my laziness...
Yeah, that's it. I'm 38 years old. I WANT to spend the next (God willing) 35 years feeling like I have the flu. I want to be weak, mentally, emotionally, and physically... because anyone who's ever spent 5 minutes with me would describe me just like that? I love not being able to focus on the task at hand and losing control of my body and life. I love losing friends who think I'm ditching them because I'm a jerk. I relish in the idea of yet ANOTHER Dr appointment where the highly educated professional won't listen to ME because my "numbers" are normal. It's pretty fun. I celebrate every appointment with a full blown panic attack. And then, I muster every single drop of energy I have to complete one task, to start a new habit, to attempt a better routine. I'm zapped, but I pull it off for a while. Then the crash happens. I'm physically exhausted, I'm mentally drained, I'm emotionally lost, and everyone around me is let down because I'm a hypochondriac who can't keep herself together.
(Please read that previous paragraph in a sarcasm font.)
I did not choose this, but I will choose to do what I can, when I can. And I'll choose to back away from anything that is too big for me to handle. And I'll choose to untie anyone who doubts me, is unkind to me, lacks understanding, or is just a doodyhead in general, because I just don't need it. I will only surround myself with people who are honest and supportive and encouraging. That's what I deserve.
~h
