What would you say to your daughter?

Tonight I chatted with a friend who's in an unhappy situation.  I've been there.  We've all been there.  But how do you get out of "there?"

Consider this your GPS.

Our minds are set up to protect us, believe it or not.  If you're unhappy, then your mind is sending you warning signals to fix it!  Pay attention!  That's the easy part.

The two hardest parts are admitting that YOU are the only one who can change your current situation and then taking the steps to do it.  This is especially true if you're feel stuck in a rut.

DUUUUUDES!  You have to spend FOREVER with you.  You better find something pleasant and worthwhile about yourself or it's going to be one long life.  Stop waiting for other people to validate you!  You're setting yourself up for some major disappointment if you're hanging all your stars in someone else's sky.  

Set some standards for yourself and the people around you.  Decide what you deserve from yourself.  Decide what you deserve from others.  When your expectations aren't met, have a plan for what you'll do. AND THEN DO IT!!!! Don't make false promises to yourself.  Don't BS yourself.  Do what you say you're going to do.  

Be your own best friend.  What do you expect from a best friend?  Loyalty?  Integrity?  Honor?  Support?  Love?  Sincerity?  Time?  Attention?  Truth? Trust? ACCEPTANCE?? Be those things for YOURSELF.  

What would tell your daughter if she were in your shoes?  What would you tell your daughter if she had a BFF treating her the way you treat yourself or allow yourself to be treated by others?

NEWFLASH!!!  You're someone's daughter.  You're someone's friend.  You're someone's mother, aunt, cousin, mentor, leader......

You deserve no less than anyone else you love.  Love yourself like I love you.  The rest WILL fall into place, I swear.  When you carry yourself with confidence, others will be confident in you.  

Fake it until you make it.

<3 H

This is my pilgrimage, I'll cry if I want to....

Let me first acknowledge all of the support I have received from my amazing friends.  "Amazing" is such a bastardized word these days, but I truly can't think of a better way to describe you all!  When I post about my test scores and my GPA and the big words I've learned (and actually know how to use), my friends are the ones who are there, clicking their encouragement.  It means more than I'll ever be able to explain.

Not a single member of my immediate family ever bothers to be encouraging to me.  Yep.  I'm whining and I don't care because it chaps my ass.  It only takes a second to click "like" on facebook.  It only takes a few more seconds to post a comment, "Way to go!  I'm really proud of you!"

Maybe it wouldn't bother me so much, but every time I *do* see or talk to any member of my family and I start to tell them something, they always say, "Oh yeah, I read that on facebook."  So I KNOW they're reading my stuff!!!  Is it possible that they are missing every post I make about my progress?  Sure, I guess.  I have beach front property in Iowa I'll sell you, if you believe that.

I hope I haven't passed this "tradition" on to my children.  I hope I've instilled in them the need for one another.  I hope they aren't ever as separated and disloyal as we are to one another.  It's heartbreaking sometimes.

But on the other hand, when this is all said and done.....I did it on my own.  I don't ask anyone for anything.  No one pays my bills.  No one makes my decisions.  So, a big fat middle finger to anyone who deserves it, if you think it's you, it probably is.  And a big effin wet slobbery kiss to the lips to anyone who deserves it.  I hope you know who you are.

Crybaby exit stage left.

~H

Another Edition of the Heatherland Chronicles

I've struggled my whole life to find my place in the world.  I'm sure I've mentioned that before.  There isn't much I haven't tried, daycare, retail, hospitality, geriatric care, cleaning, crafting, etc.  None of it ever seemed to keep me interested for very long.  I'd get pretty good at it, feel that I'd learned all I could, made decent money, and then I'm bored.

I was reading a book called "The Obsidian Mirror" not too long ago.  The author, Louise M. Wisechild, is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.  Her childhood was much like mine, so I was captivated by her journey.  Part of her journey included massage therapy. Her career specialized in reorienting other survivors with "good touch" through massage therapy. SAY WHAT?!

I'm not a touchy feely person at all.  Hugs make me cringe, kissing gives me the gags, I'm not a hand holder.  I know this stems from my abuse.  (YAY for therapy!)  I actually have to MAKE myself do those things with my husband and children.  (It's me, not them....I think they've learned that.)  I go through a whole mental process to talk myself off the proverbial ledge and ease my anxious mind about touch.

Ok, back to the book....there really is a point here.  I started having vivid dreams about ME doing massage therapy.  I could FEEL myself in my dreams working on people.  People with actual skin.....that *I* was touching.  I could smell the air in the room where I was working.  The dreams were pretty pervasive, night after night, even after I stopped reading the book.  For me, the vividness and repetition of the dreams meant something greater than just my subconscious being a nuisance.  (I'm so Freudian.)  So I brought it up to Punky.  His reaction is always the same, "I don't care what you do, babe."  But then it was followed by, "Are you sure you can handle all that touching?!"

Everything hinged on that one "minor" detail.  There is no part of my latest career that doesn't require INTENSE contact with other human beings!  So I prayed a little, meditated a lot, read a ton of blogs and asked a lot of questions.  I don't just have an aversion to human contact.....it's damn near a PHOBIA.  Touching has actually elicited panic attacks in me before, racing heart, shaking, feeling the urge to run, and on some occasions even crying.  How in the hell am I EVER going to be a massage therapist?!?!?!

Eff it, this dream meant something and I'm taking the leap.  I'll figure out the details later!

So here I am, a month into school.  We've had hands-on practical teaching from the first week.  I haven't freaked out once.  Not ONCE.  And I even have to touch FEET and BUMS!  (Which, incidentally, I rock at!)

It just dawned on me today *WHY* I'm okay with this.  I'm the one in control.  It's not the touching that has freaked me out all these years.....it's the fear of loss of control.  But when I'm giving a massage, I'm in control of the entire situation.  And I'm fairly confident from the responses I've received thus far, that I'm doing a phenomenal job.  I was told that I'm a natural!  A Natural Toucher!?!?!?!?  SHUT.  UP.

But I absolutely LOVE that I can be in charge of a positive touch in others that brings about relaxation and tranquility.  There's nothing oogey about this touch.  And to top it all off, I've always been someone who can make others feel comfortable (I think, lol) because I can talk to anyone about anything.  Being able to make others feel comfortable with my personality and then being able to make them feel relaxed with my hands......I honestly think I've found my niche in this world.  In all honesty, my new career path ties all the pieces of my past into one pretty package that I can take with me anywhere.

Sans a few bad days, I love my life.  And all the people, new and old, in it.  <3

Does Effort = Success?

I'm having a heavy sort of day.  First of all, this weather sucks.  Secondly, I haven't hardly been home much in the last three weeks.  That's weird for me.  Home is my favorite place to be.  And....I'm carrying a little guilt again, because I can't be all things to all people.

All of this makes me angry at myself, because I KNOW that's reality.  There are only 24 hours in a day and attempting to stretch that is futile.

My whiny line recently has been, "I'm sorry, I'm trying!"  I'm trying to be a good wife, good mother, good friend, and to start a new career.  Today, my best isn't good enough for me and I feel like it's not good enough for those around me either.

Does effort ever really equal success?  Is trying the same as doing?  And does one ever stop letting people down?

Apparently I've found a dark path on my Pilgrimage to Heatherland.

Perpetually Sorry

I say "I'm sorry" about 100 times a day.  I wish that was some exaggerated arbitrary number.  It's not.  I don't know if there's one reason I do it, or several.  I'm leaning towards one reason....fear of disappointing whomever I'm apologizing to.

As free spirited as I am, I still have an ingrained duty to make sure I measure up to people's expectations.  Clearly, this is an internal conflict, considering my outward nature.  Thanks Mother.

I was constantly reminded as a child that it was my job not to inconvenience my mother or make her look bad.  It's a good thing it wasn't a paid position, I'd have been fired by adolescence.  I learned to apologize A LOT.

It's been pointed out to me twice in less than a week that I need to stop apologizing.  Chris told me today to stop telling her I'm sorry for "falling down on the job and not being available as much as she is for 2AM.  And she's right, it's not like we didn't discuss all of this before we went into business together.  I've said I'm sorry a ton to my instructor at school because she's had to stop the massage video and assist me with my body mechanics a few times because I've had questions.  She finally asked me what I was sorry for.  *sigh*  For interrupting, of course.  Mrs. C....I love her.  She said, "You paid to be here, it's my job to answer your questions, so stop being sorry!!"

So, my latest mission is to figure out how to stop BEING sorry.  I think if I get over FEELING sorry or regretful, I'll be able to stop saying it.  I'm upfront, I'm honest, I'm kind, I'm genuine....I really have very little in this life to be sorry or regretful about!  However, guilt has always been my guide, thanks again, Mother.  I've always been in the way, or at least been led to believe I was.  So now I think I'm effing up everything for everyone.  Even little stuff that I'm actually entitled to, like instruction at a school I'm paying a ton of money to attend!

I wonder if there's a 12 Step Program for the Perpetually Sorry.

My name is Heather and I'm sorry.

You're probably just like me, but with less tattoos

Yesterday was a the first day of a huge job for Two Awesome Moms.  The client is fabulous.  She's been through a lot and she's very open about it all.  She's not pretentious at all, she just is....you know?  Exists like the rest of us.  Openly trying to get by in life and make the most of her days.

While going through her home to begin the sorting and organizing and cleaning, memories came flooding out.  Some good, some not so great, but all of them made her who she is today.  Of course when other people around us get nostalgic and emotional, we tend to follow suit.  Her memories and talk of familial ties made me realize even more that we're ALL just alike.  Everyone has a story.  

This realization made me wonder, even more than I usually do, why we don't peacefully coexist with one another.  Why do we mistreat one another?  Why do we judge one another to the point of persecution?  Why do we hate things we don't understand?  Why aren't we all curious to find the "why behind the what?" And if we do understand things but don't agree or don't accept, why not just move on and ignore those things?  Instead, so many of us are guilty of being hateful and cruel to people who don't operate by our standards or follow our life rules.  How come we don't understand what we're doing to one another with our hateful misunderstanding of others?  Don't we realize that our hatred and misunderstanding typically fuels the things we hate in others? The rebellious among us, will fight you tooth and nail to make you see just because we're different looking or different acting, in the end......we're all the same.  There's really no need to hurt one another.  Especially when you accept the fact that you just never know when you might need someone to help you pick up the pieces of your story and put them back together.  We're all just one tragedy away from that reality.

Make peace with someone today.  You'll never regret it.

<3 Happy Sunday!

Where I Am Today

I have a major case of swirly brain, so if this blog is scrambled, there's a reason!  I guess you're getting a small snippet of what it's like to be ME!

My house is in disarray, there's fricken wet gross slush on the ground, I have a bazillion things to finish up this week, school starts next week, and I'm headed out for a shopping trip with Chris at Perfectish to make sure we're fully stocked for the jobs that are rolling in!

I know it might sound like I'm stressed, but nope.  Not even a little.  I'm excited!!  I feel like I'm moving forward in so many areas!

Punky always loves me, but I can tell when he's proud of me.  I can see him look at me different when I'm motivated and DOING something instead of making excuses why it couldn't be done before.  His tone changes, his words change, HIS motivation changes, we work well together.....but when I'm on an upswing, we work phenomenally together.  What more could I possibly want from the very best friend I could have ever asked for?  Seriously?

And then there's Chris.  We've "known" each other for 20 years-ish.  We weren't terribly tight in high school, but a reunion via facebook led us to where we are now.  Chris is UBER intelligent, sweet beyond words, and almost as funny as me (HA!  Just kidding), we click so well now that we're adults.  She's honest and true and frankly has every quality I've ever wanted in female friend.  The best part isn't the business we're trying to get going together, even though I'm excited more than I can say about that part.  It's really the fact that I can be ME around Chris and never feel like I'm less than who I TRULY am.  I don't walk away from Chris feeling stupid that I said something I shouldn't have, or that I wasn't cool enough to be chilling with her and Robin at Sunday Morning Coffee.  I feel like I have a place.  One step closer to true Heatherdom.

Ok, before I start sounding too lesbian-ish about Chris....I better start getting back on track with my day.

Peace Out!
<3 H

Another Step Closer

This will be my last week of daycare babies.  It's bittersweet for sure. But I'm totally ready to move on.

There are some big changes happening around here.  I'm trying to kill several birds with just one stone. First bird, massage school to earn my license in massage therapy.....I can do that ANYWHERE!  Maybe I'll retire to a cruise ship, travel the world and earn a living.  The thought is nice, if I can just overcome the pesky motion sickness.

Next two birds.....MyCraftyMind facebook page, (the link is a hint to go like it!!) where the goal is start/finish crafty projects around my house and share them with my fans and friends. This gets MY stuff done, my house un-uglied AND I get to school all the people who say they're not crafty or creative.  I love to recycle, repurpose, revamp, refresh, un-ugly stuff that most folks would toss and I can do some seriously cool stuff on the super cheap.  I'll shop my house, my mom's house, and the curbs of the uppity 'hoods to show you what you can create to pretty up your place.  (Incidentally, if you're going to toss something, call me first....I might want it.)

And the final bird to be taken out with me as the stone....a new business venture with a supremely cool friend of mine from high school.  We've both hit a point in our lives where working for someone else or having a "real" job has lost any appeal it MIGHT have had, however we still have children to feed!  Two Awesome Moms (2AM) was born out of a little whining and roughly 3 minutes of conversation via facebook messages.  We're ready to help with most any household chores that seem to get away from us all, deep cleaning, general cleaning, organizing documents, bills, mementos,  We are awesome, we are creative, and we're ready to work.  Between my crafting and Chris's mad organizational skills....we're going to make magic!  Now is when you go check out and like the Perfectish facebook page and  the Perfectish Blog.  Feel free to share all this goodness with your friends and family!

I appreciate all of you who take the time to read and respond to my blog.  You'll forever be a part of my Pilgrimage to Heatherland.

<3 H

Not Just a Mommy

A few years ago I was with a friend as she dropped her daughter off at college.  She had a total meltdown.  I assumed in that moment that she was simply worried and was going to miss her child.  Over the months that followed, I watched my outgoing, fun, adventurous friend become very withdrawn and secluded. I missed my friend.  I missed our impromptu coffee and shopping dates.  I missed her laughs.  She had become someone I didn't recognize anymore. I couldn't watch any longer, so I confronted her.

After hours of talking and crying, she finally admitted that she didn't know who she was without her daughter.  She felt lost and without purpose.  I remember thinking, "how in the hell does that happen?!"  How does one person become so intertwined with their children that they forget who they are and what they like to do?  Don't we spend years thinking about what we'll be doing when our kids move on?  Don't we dream of the day our house will be clean and the toilet paper will finally be in a constant state of renewed 2 ply glory? No more overflowing garbage that requires serious decibel levels repeated over and over to get it taken out to the curb.  Isn't this the natural order of things, our kids move on and we get to relax and be who we've always wanted to be?  Doesn't it just flow?

My friend's reaction to her daughter's departure has never left me, mostly because, at the time, I thought it was so strange to be THAT into your children.  Now, it's become a major source of reflection for me.

Fairly often lately, I've said I wished I'd been a 40's-50's housewife because the expectations for us seemed so much simpler.  Women were housewives and mothers. We attended college to find a "good" man. We didn't branch out, we weren't expected to contribute financially, we had clean houses and happy children and husbands that we doted on.  (I've watched too much Leave it to Beaver and Ozzie and Harriet, I'm sure.)   But in today's culture, women have huge runways of opportunities to seek.  And while that's fabulous for women as a whole, it's overwhelming on the individual.

We can be/do/become anything a man can be/do/become.   Yet the assumption still exists that we're still going to be phenomenal mothers and wives.  How unrealistic does one lifetime have to be?  We don't have more hours in the day.  We don't suddenly have live-in nannies to pick up our slack while we're off bringing home the extra pound of bacon. Striking the right balance between mother/wife and self is tricky business.

I've noticed changes in myself as my children are getting older and having more independence. I hate that they have their own business that I'm not really a part of, yes I snoop, but saying something isn't always what's best for them.  I feel lonely when they handle their own stuff.  I know deep down I've done right by them teaching them to make their own appointments and keep track of their own lives.  The problem is that I hadn't anticipated the toll it would take on my self-worth.  But honestly, it makes perfect sense. I have nothing that it is ALL HEATHER.  Sure, I have moments of Heatherdom, but nothing that is solely for Heather.  Every hobby I've ever had has been fun for me, but benefited my children.  All the choices I make from what time to leave the house or what to buy at the store to what movies we can watch has been about my children.  I don't regret any of that, but the time is coming for me to let go of a little of that so I don't turn into THAT mother.  The mother-in-law from hell.  The grandma who can't go away.  You know what I'm talking about.....you've seen the Dr. Phil episodes.  I don't want to be on Dr. Phil!!!

Along comes massage therapy.  It seems so perfect for me.  It will provide me with a trade and piece of paper that says I have a trade.  SCORE!!  The training period is rather short, considering my inattentive nature and lack stick-to-it-iveness.  Who doesn't love immediate gratification!?  And the working environment will be a peaceful, laid back one.  The pay is more than decent and I can make my own hours and be my own boss.  JACKPOT!!!  The greatest part of all....it has nothing to do with my children or husband.  BONUS!!!

As most of you know, my original plans for school were twisted all around.  For a moment, I felt completely defeated, AGAIN!  I have people who count on me during the day to keep their children, and a family who requires the money I earn from working.  There's no way I can give up the job for school.......or can I?  Should I?  I must.  The time is now to start being me.  Heather.  Not Mommy.  Not Wife.  Heather.

Distance and time has separated my friend and me.  (I?  I can never remember and I'm too lazy to look!)  But I'm a firm believer that people come into our lives at the right time for the right reasons.  The lessons I learned from this friend have proven to be more valuable than I ever could have known at the time.  I'll never take myself or my needs to be an individual for granted again.  I'll still be me no matter where my children end up.  I can still be a vital part of their lives while meeting my own needs for identity.

<3
H

My Final Answer

I'll be attending La James International College starting November 15th.  The original plan was to attend evening classes.  However I learned last week that evening classes were no longer an option.  Ugh, total panic mode.  So after lots of phone calls and lists and some serious soul searching, I've decided that I truly have no other option but to follow my heart.  I'll be giving up most of my daycare kids to attend school during the day.

I have some guilt about leaving some of my parents in lurch to find other daycare.  I know this will be inconvenient for them.  I will miss seeing the boys on a daily basis, but I honestly have to do what's best for me and my family.

I'm in a very good position in my life, financially, emotionally, goal-wise....all of it.  It's all fallen into place, and I can't ignore this opportunity to prosper.

The best part is....my husband is being totally supportive.  Sometimes it amazes me how much he puts up with from me.

Signed,
Nervous and Guilt-ridden.

Bad Day? What Bad Day!?

It started off not so great....and super early.  Anyone who's ever seen me in the morning will tell you that I'm a disheveled hot mess.  I just don't do mornings.  But toss in a little "bad" and you might as well kiss the entire day goodbye!

Today, I decided to do things differently.  I started from Crap Point and thought, "screw it and I'm heading to Bliss Mountain."  The texts came to do my daily chores and I decided not to ignore them.  That was the old Heather.  The one who didn't care if things ever got finished or not, because there's always tomorrow.  

So my morning chores are done ahead of schedule! I'm getting ready to do extra stuff, not on the calendar, because I'm feeling pretty good about what I've already done and I want to keep the momentum going!

Who knew happiness was a choice?  Probably everyone BUT me.  But now that I know it, I'm choosing it.

<3 H

I'll miss you.

When I announced my facebook departure, that's the response I received....I'll miss you.  I provided 5 other options to contact me.  So if you're genuinely going to miss me, who's fault is that?

I'm not someone different on facebook than I am on my other accounts.  I'm the only me I know how to be, wherever I am.

The same thing happens when I go to church or see family/friends that I haven't seen in a while...."We've missed you!!"  Really?  Because you haven't called.  You didn't stop by.  Hell, you didn't even text or send a card.  Not even a little pokey poke on facebook. Nothing.  So if you WERE actually thinking of me, you didn't find a way to let me know.

Is our friendship really THAT important to you?  Or do you think you're fooling me with your feigned affection?  I'm no sucker.  And I can spot BS a mile away.  So stop.  Just stop.

If our friendship is a REAL friendship, then let me know and I'll reciprocate.  If you mean something to me, I'll let you know.....even if I simply text you a picture of something that reminds me of you, or make a funny and then we don't talk again for a while because we're busy living our regular lives.  We all have circles of friends (and now, thanks to Google + we can categorize them!!), some closer than others because of proximity, familial ties, longevity of friendship, whatever the case might be.  

I know, I'm all kinds of cynical.  I just think it's odd that you think of someone, but never make any effort to let them know while you were thinking of them.  Instead you wait until they are in your face or about to leave to let them know what you're thinking.  Hmmmm.....can anyone see why this might seem a little less than sincere?

Just thinking....

H

Pathetic or really ingenious???

I've added my daily chores to my Cozi calendar and I receive text messages now to remind me to do things that need to be done everyday. You can set the calendar up to repeat everyday, or every other day, every Wednesday, etc. I added all my family members, including my mother who does our dr/dental appointments.  She gets reminders the night before.  And all my bills are listed in there with reminders set for the paydays. I've also added my meals to the calendar and reminders to thaw meats or start the crock pot.  The other benefit is all the texts I get....it's like I'm my own BFF!!  AND......there's a grocery list and a to do list.  Yes, there's an APP for that.

I have friends who just "DO" this stuff....I'm not one of them.  I need a reminder and scheduling and prodding. My brain gets sidetracked soooo easily!  (Kind of like right now, I'm blogging instead of finishing the kitchen!)

I'm sloooooooooooowly getting on track with being a grown up.  Man, this is a lot of work.

<3's H

You know what I noticed?

Positive thinking actually works. Before I ever crack the seal on my eye goo on the morning, I remind myself that today isn't going to suck, and that I have the power to make it not suck.

Of course, there are things in my day that I cannot control.  Too many poopy diapers, cranky babies, or the stupid crow's feet that are making their mark by my eyes (bastards!)  But in general, if I take a deep breath (nose covered in the case of the poopy diapers) and forge on, I make it over the hurdles with a level of grace that is starting to make me semi-proud.

Typically, I'm a pretty high strung, passionate type who loves to argue.....because, DUH, I'm always right!  But as of late, I've made acquiesce a verb.  Because I've learned I'm not always right?  WHOA!!  Don't get carried away.  I'm still right, I've just decided it's not worth arguing about anymore.  It wears me out.  And to be frank, I just don't care that much if anybody ever realizes the true capacity of my brain.

I know this all sounds a little condescending, honestly, it is.  But who doesn't want to be right??

But here's the thing....my "rightness" is only right for me, in my situation.  And your "rightness" can be right for you.  I'll accept it now.  I don't dislike and mistrust people like I used to, at least not in the grand scheme of my life.  Occasionally my cynicism creeps in, but I'm trying so hard to keep it in check.  I'll still always fight for things that I'm truly passionate about (my children, my husband, my family, equal rights for all peoples, etc....) but if, in the end it will have no real impact on my life.....you can go on ahead and do it the wrong way, I won't  try and stop you anymore.

*sigh*

Some days, I even amaze myself.

There really is a point buried in here somewhere in my snarkiness.  Good luck finding it!

<3 H

Blech

Today wasn't a good day.  I've got to get thicker skin so bad stuff can't get in.  I've got to get a smoother back so things just roll right off.

Tomorrow, I'll google.

Eff this day.

~H

Friendship

(I wish I could be more creative with a title, but whatevs.....)

Friendships have never really been my forte.  They take work and, as you may have figured out by now, I suck at work.  I can be done with a relationship in a heartbeat.  Piss me off and it's over.  I have enough to be angry about without chosen people pissing me off {said in my best angsty teen voice}.

And then in rolls the natural consequences of the above behavior.  Loneliness. Not the poor pitiful me loneliness.  Not therapy kind of loneliness.  More like, the family is driving me crazy I wish I had another female to commiserate with, or I want to talk boobs with someone who isn't my husband!

My problem with friendships, especially with women, in my experience they are the biggest bullies.  Covert bullies.  Women can manipulate each other and back each other into corners.  Sometimes I've seen it go to the point that we will become someone we don't even like in order to maintain those friendships.  What a wickedly ugly mess that is!

We're all the same.  We're moms, wives, sisters, aunts....WE'RE women!!  We're supposed to build each other up and push each other forward to be the very best moms, wives, sisters, aunts, etc that we can be!  Why don't we spend time or energy encouraging one another?  When do we console each other in ugly times....without then turning around and immediately gossiping about our "friends" and their situations?  Why do we see beautiful women and feel threatened by them?  How come we've decided that it's okay to lead our daughters this way?  Why can't we just TALK when things aren't going well?  Is it really necessary to tear each other down?  Do we have to turn our backs on one another?

This is why my husband is my best friend.  He doesn't bs me.  If I'm acting like a jackass, he lets me know.  When I'm sad, he comforts me with no expectations.  He never divulges my ugliness.  He calls me beautiful when I'm not. He tolerates and embraces my dreams. And most importantly, he's here for me every single day.  He's the first person I turn to with good news or bad.  We've been criticized several times for our closeness.  Outside friendships have ended because people don't understand our relationship, or maybe they're jealous?

Someday, I hope to have a close circle of female friends with whom I can share my life.  I've come to realize that I'm responsible for being the kind of friend I want to attract.  I'll try.  I'll work at putting myself in a friend's place and do for them what I would want done for me in the same situation.  Sick friend = basket with Kleenex and chicken noodle soup.  Sad friend = a "Hang in there" card or message.  Happy friend = champagne and balloons *hint hint*.  (I'll settle for a Busch Light and pizza!)  Frustrated/overwhelmed friend = help with a messy house or bratty kids.  Incidentally, any of the above emotions could quickly be remedied or celebrated with pizza and beer....how convenient!

That's where I'm at today.  Well, that and cleaning.  Maybe that's why I want a BFF, so I don't have to clean alone? :P

<3 H

Restless....

I'm a victim of my own whirly brain.  There so much to do around here, always.  And I sit and think and think about what needs to be done, what I want to get done, how I want things to be, how things will look when I'm done, how happy I'll be when it gets finished, etc.

But the constant thinking never yields any worthwhile results.  I feel like I never have time or motivation or that my projects will not turn out good enough, so there's no point in starting them.  What's wrong with me?!  

I covet other people's lives (the parts I can see anyway), instead of appreciating my own.  This isn't healthy because it never drives me to be more creative or have more motivation.  It only feeds my depression and anxiety about everything I'm not.  It's an ugly cycle I've never been able to break.

My kids are cool, my house is paid for, my husband is amazingly understanding of my inner chaos, and I drive an old jalopy that I don't have to make payments on, I work at home, and I'm reasonably healthy and intelligent.  So again I ask, WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME??

I'm not setting a great example of how to live a content life.  I can walk passed messes that would take seconds to rectify if I'd only put the effort into doing it.  But I can always talk myself out of it.  My house isn't gross by any means, but it is seriously disorganized!  My kids don't stay on track because I don't stay on track.

Soooooooo, after reading a friend's blog this morning about "just doing it" I've decided that I need make myself a schedule of daily activities.  I've attempted Fly Lady, but for the love of Jesus, who has the attention span or TIME to sit down and read all that gibberish about "swish and swipe" and "zone this or that."  I mean, seriously.....how OCD is that chick!?  --------------Oh, sorry, got sidetracked, that happens A LOT with me! Anywhoodles, back to my schedule, which I'd pay actual blood or money to learn how to stick to.  I'll be making my own simplified version of the Purple People Eater.  One for me, one for the kids.  The biggest obstacle for me/us will be our lackadaisical attitudes about "there's always tomorrow."  My tomorrows are running out because I want to feel free today. It's time to get off my butt and get real about what it takes to actually HAVE the things I want instead of just wishing for them or being jealous of the people who appear to be keeping it all together.

Wish me luck, I'm going to need it.

<3 H

One month from now.......

I'll be headed to massage therapy school.  Four nights a week and all day Saturday.  My anxiety is starting to kick in about the ramifications of the whole prospect.

First, I HATE HATE HATE being away from home that much.  This place is my sanctuary.  My comfort zone. The only place I feel safe from all the icky that exists outside in the real world.

Secondly, I'm a control freak.  And I'm scared to death that my expectations for the chores and whatnot will not be met while I'm gone.  Thus, I'll be walking into a crap hole mess when I get out of class at 9:30pm.  I'm working on letting go.  It's not the end of the world if it's not done perfectly.  I should just be happy that it's done.  (I guess, lol)

And lastly, in general I'll be going to school with mostly females 15 years my junior.  I didn't like them when I WAS their age.  Females, in my experience, are catty witches.  I'll find a way to keep my mouth shut and ignore all the bs.

I have to find a way to finish this endeavor.  This career choice is practically perfect for me!  I can make my own hours, charge my own rates, have no boss, and I can take it anywhere!  It's only a 6 month program.  I think I can.  I think I can.  I think I can.

Anxiety and overthinking are my greatest downfalls.  I wish it wasn't so much work to keep myself on track.  Why couldn't I be one of those people who just seem to flow through life?  Am I kidding myself, do those people really exist?  And are they just quieter than me about their fears and exasperation with getting things accomplished?  Maybe I need to change my internal baseline for success?

How many times do I have to go through this before I FEEL successful?  Or is this what we do to our brains to keep driving ourselves?

Bleh.

Feeling overwhelmed.  What's new?

~h

I don't get it.....

I'm watching old reruns of Extreme Makeover Home Edition.  One particular family is VERY animal friendly.  They rescue sickly animals and slept in a tent during hurricane Katrina to help care for the displaced animals.  Yay for people who do this. It's not for me, but more power to the people who choose to care for animals.

HOWEVER, this family has let their own house go completely without maintenance. They're are living in a home with a crumbling foundation and termites.  Things leak and are broken throughout the home because of neglect. How on earth can ANYONE choose ANIMALS over their own flesh and blood?  Or even their own needs?  NEEDS.  Not wants, necessities.

The chorus that keeps replaying on this show is, "These people put the animal's needs before their own."  Am I the only one who thinks this is f*cked up?

I'm feeling like this episode is a window into what's wrong with our society.  We reward people for not doing what they're supposed to be doing to support themselves.  These people received a huge new abode.  Lovely. Judging by the condition of the previous home, this new one will be run down in no time.  Overrun with smelly animals.  I don't care what anyone says, animals STINK.

Call me selfish, but my/my family's needs will be met before any animal's.

Just me rambling.....

Heather

My first blog. AWWWW!!

I have a plethora of ideas to fill the space I'm taking up on the internet.  Mostly I just think about my 35 year journey to find myself.  My childhood was less than stellar, filled with lies, emotionally absent family members, and abuse.  I've spent years trying to have an identity outside of that menagerie of chaos.  My path has included all sorts of terrains, always (until recently) self destructive.  Drugs, crappy relationships, worthless friendships, and a chip on my shoulder the size of Texas.

Recently I've had my Oprah moment.  The AHA! in my life that has turned nearly everything around for me.  Oddly enough, dropping out of "real college" for the fifth time was the best thing I've ever done for myself.  I was schooling myself to be everything I can't stand in the world, someone who has to follow rules and conform to things they don't necessarily believe are right, in order to make a living.  

Make a living.  What does that REALLY mean?  What good is life if we only do the bare minimum to survive, leaving no time or energy for feel good moments? Is all the money in the world worth anything if we can never enjoy the time it took to earn it?  There has to be a way to be productive (bleh, totally subjective word I'm not fond of but for the purpose of all being on the same page, we'll go with it) AND to enjoy my life!  Another AND....teach my children that they can be respectful of others' lives while living their own and doing their own thing.  I want them to be everything I haven't been in the first 34 years of my life.  Dress funny, have crazy hair, tattoo your body, have your own religion, or don't ever do any of those things......but most importantly DEFINE YOURSELF.....don't let anyone or anything else define you.  You're in charge.

This is my Pilgrimage to Heatherland.  I am a sacred place.  And this has been one long journey, but I'm finally getting to the beautiful parts.  It's all been worth it.

pilgrimage:

1. a journey to a shrine or other sacred place

2. a journey or long search made for exalted or sentimental reasons

Loves, 

Heather