Cherry Coke Lake

As I sat in the waiting area of my new oncologist's office I watched hairless, one breasted, sickly looking women pass by me.  There were others around us, but this group is who I noticed.  Of course I felt the compassion one is supposed to feel when one sees living, breathing proof that the world is a cruel place.  I felt sad and scared for them.  I felt pity, as much as I tried not to.  I felt like hugging each and every one of them.  I didn't, instead I said a quick prayer for each of them as they passed me.  My prayers weren't for a cure.  Instead I prayed for each of them to find the inner strength to feel completely at peace with wherever they are in their cancer journeys.

(I also prayed for that wretched Taylor Swift song to end, it seemed so loud and endless...holy cow, purely selfish prayer, I know.)

I'm what I like to call a survivalist.  Not in the sense that you all know the word; living off the land and armed to the hilt.  Unless Fudge Rounds grow on a bush and there's a Cherry Coke Lake, I'm screwed.  And the only artillery I have is my gift of completely inappropriate humor and the ability to drop it like a bomb at the worst possible moment.  But mentally and emotionally, I've always been able to pull myself together and move forward in spite of any barriers I've faced.  Sometimes it takes longer and sometimes I get pretty low mentally before I can get back up, but I can make it happen.

Cancer is going to be different.  I can tell.  My body is going to overcome this bastard of a disease, but my emotions have taken a beating I'm not sure they can come back from. I've experienced anxiety before, nothing like this.  I know most of you have seen "The Shoes"...those started out as a funny cancer joke since I pulled my Cancer Card to justify buying them.  But now they've become my courage to leave the house, much like a preschooler might wear a cape to make him feel strong when he's scared.  I've regressed to the point of a cape for my feet.  Intellectually, I know I'm the one who assigned this significance to them.  Emotionally, I've realized it was necessary.  That scares me.  I'm afraid of being afraid.

While chatting with a friend today, who's been through exactly what I'm going through right now, this statement struck a nerve, "I'll tell you what, cancer is bullshit.  Even when it's gone, you never feel safe.  Every headache, pain or pinch, you wonder if it's cancer.  Cancer is emotional and mental rape."   (I won't say who, because her story isn't mine to share, but feel free to take credit for the quote, You-Know-Who.)  This is exactly how I feel.  I know there will come a day when all of this isn't so fresh and isn't in the forefront of my mind.  And I will be (and am currently) grateful that I'm physically better than I started.  And I'm grateful for all of the support I'm receiving from so many.  And I don't expect anyone to have any answers or to wave a magic wand to make my Feels Bads all better.  And there's absolutely nothing that any one of you has said or could say that is the "the wrong thing to say".  It feeds my soul to hear from all of you, cards, dinners, prayers, laughs, shared expletives...I love it all.  

Please don't feel bad for me.  I haven't suddenly become fragile.  I'm still me, hold the thyroid and add extra neurosis on the side!   I think I'm only telling this part of my story because the more I read and more people I meet with cancer, this is their story too.  It's cruel and unusual punishment.  We must find a way to learn from it.  We just have to...

<3 H

Really??

So are you all tired of hearing about this stuff yet?  I think I'm mostly writing this stuff for me to reflect on later, but I have been answering the same questions a lot, so I'll try to share it here.  (Not that I mind the communication with everyone!!!)  I hope I'm not driving anyone nuts, well more nuts that I usually do!

I had the drain tube removed today, which is good.  I got put on two weeks of bed rest, which is bad.  I have numbness in both arms.  My hands are tingly.  This really hinders my plans to go back to work, in more ways than one!  As part of my job, I should really be able to feel my hands, so let's pray this is just a temporary thing.  And...TWO WEEKS?!?!?!  For the love of peanut butter, that's a long time.

Taken Over

Some of you have already read this because I've been sharing it privately a bit over the last day or so...but I'm so overwhelmed with it, it's just bubbling over.

So many changes have happened in my life in the last couple years.  Some good.  Some bad.  I've had some difficult relationship issues with friends and family.  Some have stayed, some have left...and some have just taken up residence in my heart, others are closer to me than ever before.  I've come full circle with a career choice that I love (and thankfully a forgiving boss ;) ) and should the need arise, I can be completely self sustaining.

And now this cancer business.  I was angry for a bit, then sad, then scared...all the normal things you'd expect.  But now I've been taken over by gratitude.  I'm grateful that I've allowed myself to let go of so much of my mistrust of the world.  I don't feel constantly cynical of all things mushy.  I'm thankful that I've allowed myself to let out all the kindness that I usually feel on the inside.  This has allowed all the other things to fall into place.  I believe all the changes over the last couple years have happened for a reason.  I believe it's been a gift to me so that I might be able to manage the things happening to my family right now.  All the tumultuous garbage and things I thought I couldn't handle made me tough enough to handle the worst possible thing I could ever imagine facing.

I just believe now.  I just have faith now.  I believe, once again, that I'm going through what I'm supposed to be going through.  I don't believe I deserve the bad, but I do believe I deserve the gifts I've been given.  My self-made family, my dream of my own business, my loving husband and children, and the rest of my support system.  I deserve those things.  And because I'm thankful for them, I know they're here to stay.

There are some other fairly scary issues happening right now.  They're not my details to share, but please know that my family would appreciate and accept any and all good thoughts and prayers and magic and whatever it is you're into to get us through the next few months.

Much Love,
~H

What You Can't See

Almost every single person I know has commented about me being the strongest person he/she knows.

I *AM* a pretty tough cookie.  But there are things happening to me that no one is seeing.  I'm suddenly afraid.  Scared of the world around me.  Scared of pity.  Scared of being alone.  Scared of being sick.  Scared of being scared. When it comes time to leave the house for any reason now, I shake uncontrollably from the anxiety.  I want to be home.  ALL. THE. TIME. It's safe here.  I can keep people out or let people in.  I like it here.

But I'll continue to make myself leave the house and surround myself with my friends and people who love me because I'm no quitter.  And I've seen what pure seclusion can do to me.

I have noticed that I pay more attention to people around me now.  I wonder who has cancer or anxiety or who just lost their mother or is fighting to save a relationship...but has forced themselves to continue on with the mundane tasks of plain ol' life that we all complain about.  We all see and have relationships, no matter how fleeting, with the people around us.

I'm reminded, and now I'm reminding you:

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. ~Plato, Greek author and philosopher in Athens (427 BC-347 BC)