Not Just a Mommy

A few years ago I was with a friend as she dropped her daughter off at college.  She had a total meltdown.  I assumed in that moment that she was simply worried and was going to miss her child.  Over the months that followed, I watched my outgoing, fun, adventurous friend become very withdrawn and secluded. I missed my friend.  I missed our impromptu coffee and shopping dates.  I missed her laughs.  She had become someone I didn't recognize anymore. I couldn't watch any longer, so I confronted her.

After hours of talking and crying, she finally admitted that she didn't know who she was without her daughter.  She felt lost and without purpose.  I remember thinking, "how in the hell does that happen?!"  How does one person become so intertwined with their children that they forget who they are and what they like to do?  Don't we spend years thinking about what we'll be doing when our kids move on?  Don't we dream of the day our house will be clean and the toilet paper will finally be in a constant state of renewed 2 ply glory? No more overflowing garbage that requires serious decibel levels repeated over and over to get it taken out to the curb.  Isn't this the natural order of things, our kids move on and we get to relax and be who we've always wanted to be?  Doesn't it just flow?

My friend's reaction to her daughter's departure has never left me, mostly because, at the time, I thought it was so strange to be THAT into your children.  Now, it's become a major source of reflection for me.

Fairly often lately, I've said I wished I'd been a 40's-50's housewife because the expectations for us seemed so much simpler.  Women were housewives and mothers. We attended college to find a "good" man. We didn't branch out, we weren't expected to contribute financially, we had clean houses and happy children and husbands that we doted on.  (I've watched too much Leave it to Beaver and Ozzie and Harriet, I'm sure.)   But in today's culture, women have huge runways of opportunities to seek.  And while that's fabulous for women as a whole, it's overwhelming on the individual.

We can be/do/become anything a man can be/do/become.   Yet the assumption still exists that we're still going to be phenomenal mothers and wives.  How unrealistic does one lifetime have to be?  We don't have more hours in the day.  We don't suddenly have live-in nannies to pick up our slack while we're off bringing home the extra pound of bacon. Striking the right balance between mother/wife and self is tricky business.

I've noticed changes in myself as my children are getting older and having more independence. I hate that they have their own business that I'm not really a part of, yes I snoop, but saying something isn't always what's best for them.  I feel lonely when they handle their own stuff.  I know deep down I've done right by them teaching them to make their own appointments and keep track of their own lives.  The problem is that I hadn't anticipated the toll it would take on my self-worth.  But honestly, it makes perfect sense. I have nothing that it is ALL HEATHER.  Sure, I have moments of Heatherdom, but nothing that is solely for Heather.  Every hobby I've ever had has been fun for me, but benefited my children.  All the choices I make from what time to leave the house or what to buy at the store to what movies we can watch has been about my children.  I don't regret any of that, but the time is coming for me to let go of a little of that so I don't turn into THAT mother.  The mother-in-law from hell.  The grandma who can't go away.  You know what I'm talking about.....you've seen the Dr. Phil episodes.  I don't want to be on Dr. Phil!!!

Along comes massage therapy.  It seems so perfect for me.  It will provide me with a trade and piece of paper that says I have a trade.  SCORE!!  The training period is rather short, considering my inattentive nature and lack stick-to-it-iveness.  Who doesn't love immediate gratification!?  And the working environment will be a peaceful, laid back one.  The pay is more than decent and I can make my own hours and be my own boss.  JACKPOT!!!  The greatest part of all....it has nothing to do with my children or husband.  BONUS!!!

As most of you know, my original plans for school were twisted all around.  For a moment, I felt completely defeated, AGAIN!  I have people who count on me during the day to keep their children, and a family who requires the money I earn from working.  There's no way I can give up the job for school.......or can I?  Should I?  I must.  The time is now to start being me.  Heather.  Not Mommy.  Not Wife.  Heather.

Distance and time has separated my friend and me.  (I?  I can never remember and I'm too lazy to look!)  But I'm a firm believer that people come into our lives at the right time for the right reasons.  The lessons I learned from this friend have proven to be more valuable than I ever could have known at the time.  I'll never take myself or my needs to be an individual for granted again.  I'll still be me no matter where my children end up.  I can still be a vital part of their lives while meeting my own needs for identity.

<3
H