I say "I'm sorry" about 100 times a day. I wish that was some exaggerated arbitrary number. It's not. I don't know if there's one reason I do it, or several. I'm leaning towards one reason....fear of disappointing whomever I'm apologizing to.
As free spirited as I am, I still have an ingrained duty to make sure I measure up to people's expectations. Clearly, this is an internal conflict, considering my outward nature. Thanks Mother.
I was constantly reminded as a child that it was my job not to inconvenience my mother or make her look bad. It's a good thing it wasn't a paid position, I'd have been fired by adolescence. I learned to apologize A LOT.
It's been pointed out to me twice in less than a week that I need to stop apologizing. Chris told me today to stop telling her I'm sorry for "falling down on the job and not being available as much as she is for 2AM. And she's right, it's not like we didn't discuss all of this before we went into business together. I've said I'm sorry a ton to my instructor at school because she's had to stop the massage video and assist me with my body mechanics a few times because I've had questions. She finally asked me what I was sorry for. *sigh* For interrupting, of course. Mrs. C....I love her. She said, "You paid to be here, it's my job to answer your questions, so stop being sorry!!"
So, my latest mission is to figure out how to stop BEING sorry. I think if I get over FEELING sorry or regretful, I'll be able to stop saying it. I'm upfront, I'm honest, I'm kind, I'm genuine....I really have very little in this life to be sorry or regretful about! However, guilt has always been my guide, thanks again, Mother. I've always been in the way, or at least been led to believe I was. So now I think I'm effing up everything for everyone. Even little stuff that I'm actually entitled to, like instruction at a school I'm paying a ton of money to attend!
I wonder if there's a 12 Step Program for the Perpetually Sorry.
My name is Heather and I'm sorry.
I used to start almost every sentence with "I'm sorry" it took time, but I finally made myself stop. I was apologizing for things that were outside my control, things that I had no reason to be sorry for, like I was apologizing for my very fact that I exist, and I needed to stop. You have intrinsic value, worth as a human being. Give yourself permission to be - accept that you are worth whatever it takes. Starting there may help you stop apologizing quite so much. Alissa
ReplyDeleteThat's exactly how I feel. Like I'm apologizing for existing. :/
ReplyDeletei am very similar. it is a habit you have to break. you have to be concious of what you are apologizing for and evaluate if you really need to be sorrying out the wahzoo. i think you are on the right trail that it's deeper than just saying it. you need to explore that and change that core belief that you are in the way. VERY hard work. i've been there and i'm working hard to maintain it. hang in there and keep trying. :)
ReplyDeleteI do the same thing apologize and then try to explain why. Even if I don't apologize I end up explaining my side of the story. I don't like hurting other feelings, or putting others in any kind of negative position or even inconveniencing anyone. I have always told myself that I am trying to be polite.
ReplyDeleteSometimes, I apologize for apologizing. It's gone beyond a politeness for me. And frankly, I'm tired of always "having" to say I'm sorry. So I've been practicing only saying it when it's REALLY necessary.
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