Another Edition of the Heatherland Chronicles

I've struggled my whole life to find my place in the world.  I'm sure I've mentioned that before.  There isn't much I haven't tried, daycare, retail, hospitality, geriatric care, cleaning, crafting, etc.  None of it ever seemed to keep me interested for very long.  I'd get pretty good at it, feel that I'd learned all I could, made decent money, and then I'm bored.

I was reading a book called "The Obsidian Mirror" not too long ago.  The author, Louise M. Wisechild, is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.  Her childhood was much like mine, so I was captivated by her journey.  Part of her journey included massage therapy. Her career specialized in reorienting other survivors with "good touch" through massage therapy. SAY WHAT?!

I'm not a touchy feely person at all.  Hugs make me cringe, kissing gives me the gags, I'm not a hand holder.  I know this stems from my abuse.  (YAY for therapy!)  I actually have to MAKE myself do those things with my husband and children.  (It's me, not them....I think they've learned that.)  I go through a whole mental process to talk myself off the proverbial ledge and ease my anxious mind about touch.

Ok, back to the book....there really is a point here.  I started having vivid dreams about ME doing massage therapy.  I could FEEL myself in my dreams working on people.  People with actual skin.....that *I* was touching.  I could smell the air in the room where I was working.  The dreams were pretty pervasive, night after night, even after I stopped reading the book.  For me, the vividness and repetition of the dreams meant something greater than just my subconscious being a nuisance.  (I'm so Freudian.)  So I brought it up to Punky.  His reaction is always the same, "I don't care what you do, babe."  But then it was followed by, "Are you sure you can handle all that touching?!"

Everything hinged on that one "minor" detail.  There is no part of my latest career that doesn't require INTENSE contact with other human beings!  So I prayed a little, meditated a lot, read a ton of blogs and asked a lot of questions.  I don't just have an aversion to human contact.....it's damn near a PHOBIA.  Touching has actually elicited panic attacks in me before, racing heart, shaking, feeling the urge to run, and on some occasions even crying.  How in the hell am I EVER going to be a massage therapist?!?!?!

Eff it, this dream meant something and I'm taking the leap.  I'll figure out the details later!

So here I am, a month into school.  We've had hands-on practical teaching from the first week.  I haven't freaked out once.  Not ONCE.  And I even have to touch FEET and BUMS!  (Which, incidentally, I rock at!)

It just dawned on me today *WHY* I'm okay with this.  I'm the one in control.  It's not the touching that has freaked me out all these years.....it's the fear of loss of control.  But when I'm giving a massage, I'm in control of the entire situation.  And I'm fairly confident from the responses I've received thus far, that I'm doing a phenomenal job.  I was told that I'm a natural!  A Natural Toucher!?!?!?!?  SHUT.  UP.

But I absolutely LOVE that I can be in charge of a positive touch in others that brings about relaxation and tranquility.  There's nothing oogey about this touch.  And to top it all off, I've always been someone who can make others feel comfortable (I think, lol) because I can talk to anyone about anything.  Being able to make others feel comfortable with my personality and then being able to make them feel relaxed with my hands......I honestly think I've found my niche in this world.  In all honesty, my new career path ties all the pieces of my past into one pretty package that I can take with me anywhere.

Sans a few bad days, I love my life.  And all the people, new and old, in it.  <3